Monthly Archives: December 2017

shattered

Sometimes I want to drop things in the kitchen just to see how they shatter.

Which is ridiculous, because I know that I would/do squeeze my eyes shut when something falls — pull back your feet as fast and as far as you can without falling, close your eyes, tense your muscles, hold your breath.

When something does fall and shatter on the tile floor in the kitchen (whoever thought ceramic tile and glass/china/ceramics/stonewear would do well together?) I sometimes wonder if I willed it let it happen.

I suppose that might be a superpower that would come in handy — speedy like Yoyo in S.H.I.E.L.D. or one of the many Flashes that are running around in the D.C. Universe. Fast enough to catch that falling piece of history before it’s destroyed, or even fast enough to make time pull backwards a little bit.

We all know that’s not possible but if we retreat into our heads for a bit there’s the chance that we can at least get a glimpse of the people or things that have been crushed and lost to us. Sometimes that slight spark of a bright remembrance can make things even worse but on occasion it can be the very thing we need to get us through.

If you are feeling a loss this holiday season, be it fresh and stinging or aged and nagging, I wish you the help you need to make it past the darkness; I wish you the ability to find the brightness in the memories that will warm your heart; I wish you love and light.

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Categories: family, loss, love, memories, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

push

Why do we push

ourselves and others

into places we don’t really

want to go; corners we

can’t get out of?

I’m sitting on my couch, trying to drink my cup of tea before it cools, can’t even seem to manage that anymore. It’s 4:56am and it’s decaf. I’ve been awake about an hour and a half. HardWorker’s alarm is going off for the third time. The cat has already been out and in again. Fourth time. Just get the f@ck up, already! There’s little crawling scratchy noises coming from my living room ceiling — I’ve been hearing that for weeks — fifth time — and I’ve pretty much given up trying to figure out what it is. My tea is cold.

You know those things we join — those groups, those challenges, (sixth time) those write/draw/photograph/post/seventh time/plank/squat/whatever things we’ve all seen and been “challenged” to do and probably agreed to or signed on for? Why?? EIGHTH TIME.

I don’t know about you, but I really don’t need another thing to fail at; some other task I *seriously, just get up! ninth time* can’t complete. What is it about “human nature” that makes us put ourselves through these things? ‘Cause I’m pretty damn sure it’s not in my actual nature to complete anything — gestation aside — and yet I say ‘yes’ and join in. I have, on occasion, tried to get others to sign up.

It must have stopped snowing; seems darker out than it did two hours ago.

I mean, look, I’m here writing this incoherent meandering post (which

I probably won’t finish) instead of lying in bed sleeping because that’s just another challenge

I have failed at. By the way, if the formatting on this ends up being disjointed as well as the train of thought, that’s down to the stupidity of iOs and or app developers who are constantly updating games and shit but can’t seem to figure out how to make a page scroll above a keyboard. And why doesn’t the WP app recognize what has been written/edited/saved in WP in a browser?

But I digress. Here’s the thing: I stopped wearing my fitbit because I suck at remembering to put it back on after I shower, and most of the steps I take during the day are done with something (like a laundry basket) in my arms so they don’t ever seem to exist, and I already know how poorly

I am sleeping, thank you,

I don’t need you to remind me.

Even my favourite Spider Solitaire game decided to do an update that now has it keeping count of and displaying HOW MANY GAMES I’VE ABANDONED IN THE LAST SEVEN DAYS. Seriously. Who actually thought *that* was a critical piece of information that needed to be added???

Have I mentioned I’ve been awake since about 3:17??

On a side note: if *boyfriend* jeans and t-shirts and socks and whatever else is/are being designed and tailored for women, THEY’RE NOT REALLY *BOYFRIEND* CLOTHES ANYMORE.

And also, my grocery store has joined the ever-growing ranks of establishments offering healthy snacks instead of cookies to children who can’t make it through the shopping trip without a treat. (Why not adults? I took a clementine last week — sue me.) They even have a sign up: HEY KID’S, ENJOY A HEALTHY SNACK WHILE SHOPPING! Well, actually, they now have a sign up with the apostrophe circled and a little note beside it saying, “no apostrophe needed”. Oh, shit, I just remembered that last week I corrected a sign in another store that was drawing attention to the table of “STATIONARY” they were trying to unload. Some days I am not fit for human consumption .

I’m going to reheat my tea now. Good morning!

Categories: NaBloPoMo, NaNoPoblano, Sleep, Uncategorized, words | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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